Ally’s blog

Every time I have to leave this town it´s getting worse..It is hurting so much,I can hardly take it...

When I went there for the first time in april last year,I was so overwhelmed with the feeling of coming back "home",that I could barely think straight and when I had to go back to germany,I really felt heartbroken,not knowing exactly why...

Since I came back "home",all I did was to plan my move to Dublin,cuz I already knew by then that this was the only place I will ever be happy at!
But the critical german deep down inside of me that I sometimes am (and I hate to admit that,by the way...) said:
Don´t be too spontaneous,wait and see,don´t get too overwhelmed with the first few impressions you made...
Get all the informations you can get about living there and most important:
 Go to Dublin again and see if you still like it as much as you did when you went there for the first time...

So when I came back to Dublin on monday last week all I felt was:
.........No excitement, No nerviness, No curiosity.....
All I felt was a big,fat grin on my face and a warm feeling in my tummy...
That was it!

I really don´t know what it is,but when I´m there,I feel like REALLY being ME...
 I walk,talk,feel,breath,even dress differently like I do when I´m  in the place where I´ve been born...
I feel grounded!
Which makes me think of the question:
What REALLY is your "HOME"?
The place you´ve been born into or the place that makes you feel at home?
My heart already knows the answer...

There are a lot of stories I could tell you about my trip to Dublin `08 and I will,as soon as I get the pics from my friend

(I saw Bono-at least I think I did-, and the infamous Muireann McDonnell;),I touched the holy cross of glendalough, I  sat on the wishing stone of Killiney Hill and walked around the Cliffs of Howth and I had a really spiritual thing happend to me when I accidently found a place around the area of Christchurch Cathedral and Cornmarket that I once dreamed about,but I will tell you more about it when I got the pictures)

Anyways,the most important thing I learned through that trip was,that I should just follow the calling of my heart:
That´s the place I belong to and I just have to find a way to live there,I just have to!

I really don´t know why I feel this way and by now I don´t think it´s important to know why at all,if you know it´s right: Go for it,sometimes it just needs a feeling to be sure of doing the right thing,there not always has to be a reason for it!

When I came back this time I really tried to be strong,thinking: "You´ll be back in Dublin as soon as possible anyway,so don´t worry..."
But I woke up in that night,crying like a baby,just because I am missing that city so much...
Call me crazy,I don´t give a damn,all I know is,that´s the way I feel and I can´t wait to go back (hopefully for good this time)
To be honest,I feel like a stranger in my hometown now,it just doesn´t feel right to be here and I wished I could be at "home" right now...

Note: The following words were written by a woman close to a nervous breakdown, a woman who is a self-confessed drama queen...So don´t take me too serious,I don´t do so too,most of the times! So,who cares...

I´m going to Dublin on monday!!!
It´s been almost a whole year since I´ve been there for the first time and since then there wasn´t a day I didnt think of going back there...
Now the time has come and I should be the most happiest person on earth,but what happens???

Not only do I have a trapped nerv in my left hand which makes the most ordinary moves slightly impossible (which is driving me CRAZY,to say at least,cuz I just don´t have any power in my whole hand because of that shyte...),
my cat is having some problems with his jaw (I have no freaking idea what,it´s just that every time he ate something he makes crazy noises and moves,like he is trying to get something out of his mouth, but that damn kitty doesn´t allow me to look in his mouth, so I can´t find out what´s wrong with him...Silly cat!),
but the highlight of it all is that I´m having a horrible cold since today morning... GREAT THING!
I´m freezing my tits off, every bone in my body is aching, I have a running nose, I have a sore throat, I have a temperature and I feel like shit...

FUCK THAT!!!

Why the hell does that damned flu has to come around just now, of all times?
That´s the story of my life, you know...
NOTHING EVER comes easy to me,I´m used to it in some kinda way, but it freaks me out nonetheless...
 WHY do I have to fight ALL the time, even for the tiniest little things, like(this time) going on vacation?

Well,I´ll be drugged up to the eyeballs to fight that damn cold and -FUCK- I will have the time of my life in Dublin, cuz I´ve been waiting for that moment to come way too long...
There are soooo many things I wanna do and see in Dublin, I just can´t allow my body to feel weak right now...
And I really think I deserve some kind of amusement after all that shit I had to go through in the past few months!

Simple as that!                    PERIOD!

I won´t let a cold ruin that!     PERIOD            ...again!

Dublin,here I come (if I survive the flight that is...) ;-)

There´s a HUGE brant sitting on the rooftop of the house across,quaking hell for leather...
it´s nine o´clock in the morning and all I wanted to do,was to have a lie in,for gods sake!
That freaking bird sure as hell just woke up the whole damn town...
I really am an animal loving person,but right now:
All I want to do is SHOT that  fucking brant,DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Granny is in the hospital again...

 She´s never been the easiest one to get along with(I mean there´s a reason why I call her "an older version of Paris Hilton"),but nonetheless how much a pain in the ass she might be most of the time,it´s her very special kind of dry sense of humour that she has,that makes me love her to bits at the same time.
Call it a love-hate relationship...

When I was a little girl and my parents had to work a lot,she was the one who always were there for me,pampered me and gave me the feeling to be the most important girl in the world.
Of course as the years progressed the relationship we had changed... Seven grandchildren followed after me and as I got older I became at least as stubborn as she always has been,so we had a lot of fights going on in the past few years...

She´s the kind of person who really enjoys it when people do feel sorry for her;for the hard life she "had" to go through(a path that she chose for herself in my opinion) and so I didn´t really took her serious when she didn´t feel well last year.
 Thing is,she´s always sicker than other people and her problems are always more important than the problems other people might have...
So,as I´m used to that kind of behaviour,I realized that this time it´s really serious just at the moment,she got into hospital to get a new heart valve.
Everything seemed to go fine after that,but now the new heart valve got infected,so she had to go into hospital again,because of the fever attacks she gets over and over again.
You know,Granny has been into hospitals quite a lot over the past few years and I was always the one who said(and meant it)that she´s there to get healthy again...

But when I entered her room today and saw her face...

Not just the way she looked at me,but also the way her skin looked like,I just knew that this time it´s not a question about getting healthy again,it´s about how to say goodbye...
I wished I was wrong,but I know that I´m not!

It´s such a strange feeling,I mean she´s been here all my life,but I really think I have to get used to the thought that there´ll be the day when she won´t be anymore...
I just hope,we´ll have enough time left to sort things out and I hope for her,that when the moment for her has come to go,she can go in peace...

Time for an update,ummm...
Whoa,the past few months have really been a journey for me,I had alot of experiences which literally forced me to finally get in balance with myself.
Maybe it´s about getting older,I wished I could stay 27 forever,because that´s the age which just seems to fit me the best in an emotionally kind of way LOL...
I think I had a (or my first?)midlife crisis;in july I celebrated my 32.birthday...I mean 32!!! That sounds sooooo old,I don´t feel like 32! I´m just not that 32 year old kind of girl,if you know what I mean;-)
In fact there´s nothing wrong with being 32,I mean there are alot of great and adorable women around which are my age:
Fergie,Penelope Cruz,Charlize Theron,Angelina Jolie...The list could go on and on!
 Sandra Bullock,Gwen Stefanie or Salma Hayek are even older and still are adorable and kind of rolemodels at least to me...
That´s not the point,I don´t give a fuck about someones age, in which country she/he was born or how someone has been brought up...If you´re a cool,grounded and openminded person,the world is yours,you just have to go and make it yours!
And if it fits,it just fits,that´s why I got friends from totally different life ages(from 20 to 52) in my life!
The point is: I realized that time is running out,slowly but surely... This may sound harsh,but that´s the way it is!

If I´m lucky,I got another 40 years ahead of me and there´s soooooo much I still want to do!
I mean,it´s never too late to start anew in another country(which I defo need to do,cause I really don´t feel at home here in germany...),travel the world,change your profession,find someone who really is your soulmate,to keep your body,face and mind in shape isn´t the big deal either(people always think I´m younger than I really am,they say I got that kind of sparkle in my eyes,well...At first I think it´s great and I feel happy,but in the next second I think:Why is that sooo important to you???)

But there are a few things also you just have to be young for:
Having kids,for example...
I need to have children,there seems to be an inner yearn in me since I was 17 which just screams:Go and reproduce yourself!!!
I would love to have four,three in a row and a straggler... Well,a girl can dream right?!
But to reach that goal I finally really have to hurry up and that´s something that just needs to happen and I don´t have any control over and I hate that fact!!! LOL!!!
I´ts not that I´m a controlfreak at all;-),but it totally freaks me out to be depended on the benevolence of the universe when it comes to this...
There´s so much to plan about,you have to find a man who you want to be the father of your future children,build on a relationship,I mean I don´t want just to have a sperm donor,I want to have the best father my kids can probably get,which doesn´t mean he has to be the right one for me,that would be perfect(of course;-))but in first line he has to be the right one for them...

The good thing about getting older is,that you get more relaxed and accept yourself just the way you are and scream that fact out into the world...
When for example a year ago my district sales manager would tell me,I appear a bit cheeky every now and then,I caught myself feeling a bit guilty,but today I say:Well,what you gonna do? This is how I am,take it or leave it,I´m 32 years old now,you can´t change it and I don´t want to,this is how I am...Plain and simple!
And that´s a great feeling:-),if I think about it,maybe I can get used to the fact I´m getting older,it´s not THAT bad at all;-)

Life´s a journey and I´ll sure as hell enjoy the ride,I do!

Ok,so destiny fooled me again... It´s so funny,I could cry,honestly!
After all the horrible things I had to go through because of Patrick,getting all my strenght together to be able to let him go,I met Caleb a few weeks before,an american who is based at my hometown.
A nice,good looking guy with a great sense of humor! We really had a great time and just in the exact same second when I could smell a light breeze of hope,that eventually,just eventually, my life could change for the better,he told me that he has a fiancee over there in america and she will come over to germany the next week to visit him...WTF??!!!
After all that happened to me in the past,all I was able to do was to laugh out loud-and to be honest:I´m still laughing!!!
I mean,do I have a tattoo on my forehead that says:"You´re in a relationship?Than I´m the right one for you...".
Man,life is crazy... I really don´t know where I get that deep dispassionateness from,but right now,all I can think of is that this game life,destiny,fate or however you wanna name it,plays with me,is extremely funny!
I just can´t get that grin out of my face! Can´t wait for the next trick destiny will play on me:-)

There´s only one thing I have to say right now and this is a song lyric from JET:

Take my photo off the wall if it just won´t sing for you,
`cus all that´s left has gone away and there´s nothing there for you to prove,
Oh,look what you´ve done,you´ve made a fool of everyone....
Oh,well,it seemed like such fun until you loose what you had won...
Give me back my point of view `cos I just can´t think for you,I can hardly hear you say,what should I do?
Well,you choose...
Oh,look what you´ve done,you´ve made a fool of everyone,
Oh,well,it seemed like much fun until you lose what you had won,oh,look what you ´ve done
you´ve made a fool of everyone,fool of everyone,fool of everyone...
Take my photo off the wall,if it just won´t sing for you,´cus all that´s left has gone away and there´s nothing there for you to do...
Oh,look what you´ve done,you´ve made a fool of everyone,oh,well,it seemed like much fun until you lose what had won,oh,look what you´ve done,you´ve made a fool of everyone,fool of everyone,fool of everyone...

Well,life goes on...;-)

What the hell is wrong with people?!
I mean,I love my job,I may not agree with the way my company is acting lately,but at the end of the day,yeah,I love my job...
It´s great to be surrounded by wonderful products,I like having a nice little chat with my customers,pamper and advise them,so they´ll find exactly what they´re looking for...
But lately,I started to become a bit worried for the state of mind of the majority of the population!

Believe me,your salvation doesn´t depend on wether the coconut hairshampoo,the tinted moisturiser or the grapeseed body butter is still available or not... Your world won´t fall apart,if the eye shimmer or the vanilla bodylotion has changed its package,it´s still the same product,so calm down... And,no,you won´t drop dead if the mango showergel is sold out at the moment!!!
Hell,if this is honestly your only problem you got in life,I really envy you folks...

I mean,there´s this woman at the till,screaming at me,if I can´t see that she´s got a handbag,after I asked her if she wants a paperbag...For fucks sake,of course,I can see that you´ve got a handbag,I was simply trying to be polite!!!

Another one is annoyed that her store card is expired and she just doesn´t know why... Umm,because your membership is valid for only one year which means 12 months?! And isn´t it great that you can decide for yourself if you want to have another one??? At least you can´t forget to cancel it within the time limit,you grumpy old bitch...

A man walks in,asking for the oceanus bodylotion... And I show him,but he turns around,saying "That´s not what I´m looking for"  WTF???!!! Are you kidding me?!
You can find that lotion only in our stores,so what the fuck are you talking about anyway?!

Geez...
I love my job;)

I`m back! Finally...
Why did I ever wonder where the true ME went to,I was here all the time,for god´s sake!!!
After a week of feeling pity for myself,crying my eyes out because life is such a bitch to me and spending all my energy on convincing myself that this is never gonna change,I woke up three days ago, thinking:"This is getting boring,if you want to be happy,just be it!".
Not everything is going wrong in my life,there are some great things too I shouldn´t forget about...

The gods,fate and destiny,even every little angel,elf and leprechaun may be against me(and NO,I´m NOT paranoid;-)...)
but I just won´t accept that and give up the fight on making myself happy!
What I will accept,is the fact that THIS IS MY LIFE!
There are people who have all the luck without doing anything for it,it just happens...
And then there are people like me,who have to fight for every little piece of luck...
Murphy´s law is a good friend of mine;every man I meet seems to have fun to first prise the wall I build around my heart open (at least they don´t mind the hard work...)and then second tear my heart up to pieces(Hell,even the celebrity I fancy about is dumping me- LOL -);
plans I make for my life(as simple as they may be) seem to be vitiated by fortuity...
Okay,if that´s the way my life´s supposed to be,then let it be that way!
It won´t stop me from having a laugh with my girls,from making plans for my future life and most of all:It won´t stop me from having confidence in that everything will turn out the way I deserve it someday,it won´t stop me from being ME and enjoying my life to the fullest in the way I want it to!
Gods,fate and destiny,every little angel,elf and leprechaun:Beware,because Ally´s back...!

I don´t like myself when I´m in a mood like that...
Such a whiny,negative,frustrated,grumpy old chick!

Where the hell did the true ME go,the funloving,optimistic,energetic,postive Ally?
And much more important:Will she ever come back??!
I want her to come back,I just don´t know how to do that when all that´s happening to me lately is drama deluxe...

My lovelife-well,I could write a book about it,Rosamunde Pilcher would be jealous of,it´s self-destructive and-let´s face it-hopeless...And noone else in sight who could distract me from it.Or HIM for that matter...

I hate my job! As much as I used to love it,I hate it now... Yeah,I´m a very passionate person,I admit!
I´m very idealistic and I thought that the company I work for is too,but slowly but surely I realize it is not!
I´m such a fool...

Last week my goddaughter visited me at my working place,to tell me-in a very casual kind of way-that she lives in a children´s home now,cause her mum(one of my oldest friends,I know her since primary school)decided to check into rehab again,because of her alcohol abuse.It´s a long and sad story...
 It´s fucking breaking my heart to see that strong little girl in front of me,trying to convince me,that everything is fine!
It is not!!!
The first time she went into rehab,my goddaughter stayed with me for the three months she was gone,which is the way it should be,cause I love my little girl to bits! And this time,my friend didn´t tell me a single word about her plans and gives her daughter away into a children´s home just like that for six fucking months...
I feel so helpless and so sorry for that young soul,I could cry!

A doctor of mine(who is a friend of the family too) once told me how she sees me;she said:
"You know what? You´re like a terminator with the soul of a porcelain doll... On the outside-and in the inside until a certain point-you are able to do everything on your own,you don´t need anyone,you seem to have supernatural powers in some kinda way,but even superheros have the need to lay their head on a bracing shoulder every once in a while...
You don´t have to be strong all the time,it´s okay to be weak sometimes too,to regain new energy..."

She was right with that...